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Kemperbad Lonely Hearts Column
It is that time of the year when all hearts turn to considerations of love and passion, and so it often is in the Old World as well. It is a fact not widely known that, from 2405-2420 IC, the matchmaker Johan Weber in the town of Kemperbad did maintain a column for those individuals whose had trouble meeting other like minded individuals.
Below are a small selection of such texts, recovered from the remains of Johan’s printworks after it was burned to the ground by a mob in an action the town council later characterised as both ‘justified’ and ‘overdue.’
As it is both difficult and frustrating in the extreme work the plates of this Dwarf-cursed machine, here are the abbreviations of the most common expressions used, that we might make use of them in shortening all submissions henceforth.
Johan Weber, Editor
WLTM – Would Like to Meet; WAVTM – With a View to Marriage; HST – Has Several Teeth; MLO – Most Limbs Original; TNOE – Typical Number of Eyes; AAH – Altdorfer at Heart; WTRTAWFO – Willing to Relocate to Area with Fewer Orcs.
Sir Loin in Ubersreik
Brettonian, not overly skinny, as seems the fashion these days. Own mace. WLTM taller person with appreciation for lakes.
Muddy Boots in Bogenhafen
Looking for good, decent, respectable character with a love of late night walks and asking few questions. Good back, must bring own shovel.
Never-You-Mind in Altdorf
Single, not a thief, few convictions, none that stuck. WLTM wealthy individual with aversion to locks, heavy sleepers preferred. AAH
Worried Aunt in Kemperbad
WLTM nice, respectable lady for my nephew, who has taken up with all sorts recently. Handsome boy, good cheeks. Must have appreciation for the colour purple, and not mind nights alone while partner engaged in unspeakable rites. Blonde preferred. – (Ed., add PEUR to the list of abbreviations, it keeps coming up.)
Widowed in Walfen
Recently widowed. Greenskins came to our homestead – slew three but the fourth took my dear Thomas. Good road frontage. WLTM decent fellow, tall, not a snorer. Must know how to parry wild backhand swing – you will be tested. WTRTAWFO
Hat Fancier in Grunburg
You: Running from a Witch Hunter, twisting the winds of magic to shroud your escape in a choking fog. Me: A Witch Hunter, chasing you. Would like to meet, discuss matters personal and professional.
Cubicle 7 Entertainment Ltd. © Games Workshop 2020